Staying Gone
by Aranea Porcus
Summary: A story of liberation. Noir disappears, Roda searches, and when she finds him he is reluctant to go back. A oneshot.


**Roda has got to be my favourite character in both series. She's so driven and agile and badass (she jumped off all those cliffs but didn't die), and she has the best set of legs ever. Anyway, on with the story! I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Gaichuu embedded in crystals line the cave like ornaments on display, reflecting off the meagre light from outside. The air inside is bitingly cold, the ground is hard and damp, and when Roda wakes with a start she finds that Noir is gone.

Word spreads fast in Blue Notes Scale, and it doesn't take many days of Noir's absence before the responsibility of "retrieving" Noir was placed onto Roda. It's not unknown that she respects and admires him with all she has and takes up her duty as his Dingo with utmost pride. The rest of the Spirits see him as their leader, as the glimmer of light in their dark, dark cave of failed dreams and shattered ambitions. It doesn't suit his name at all, but names don't matter when you've been put on a pedestal as high as the hopes of those who need it.

Roda's quick to gather the few belongings she owns and clothes herself in her old white suit. It's been too long since she's last worn it, and the cloth feels uncomfortable pressed so tightly to her skin. Her old cloak is faded but familiar, and her dagger adds a weight onto her hips. Her eyes catch on Noir's shindanjuu – the one thing he didn't take with him – and her fingers curl around it without hesitation.

At the mouth of the cave the old and the new Spirits gather in a group – there's almost enough of them to make a small village now – and they wish her well. She makes no promises of either him or her returning, but her throat constricts when the Daughter of Maka slides a pink flower into her hair – the old one has long since wilted – and she promises not to miss her (or them) too much. They look at each other for a while more, a quiet silence settling between them, and when the Daughter finally blinks her stunning cobalt eyes and looks away, Roda turns and jumps down.

* * *

It surprises Roda how things have changed in the time she spent holed away. She's managed to reach Yuusari in a matter of weeks by stowing away in a tram. Except that this tram is newer, faster, bigger, noisier, and makes black grimy smoke that blocks out the sky and erases away the stars. Roda thinks about the last time she's seen stars. She can't remember when that was. On the other hand, the shindanjuu has already become a source of comfort, and she often fingers the leather straps and brass buckles that hold it together when thinking about where Noir could be.

She spends the next few days searching for Noir, but he is nowhere to be found. Days stretch into weeks, and before long Roda is living merely on filthy river water and stolen bread. The scars on her arms itch a lot more these days as well, and she often wonders if Yuusari was the right choice to go to. His sister and _that child_ resided there in its central parts, but she had decided to search the outskirts beforehand, just in case he had gone on by foot. The shindanjuu is still with her, now strapped to her waist beside her dagger with a thin rope. The flower in her hair is still blooming pink. It makes her think of the Daughter, and by extension, the other Spirits. She has not yet fulfilled her promise to them, and when Roda is being extremely honest with herself, she thinks that she might actually not want to honour that promise at all.

Days go by in a whirl and Roda finds herself in front of that building they call the Hive. It hasn't been renovated much, unlike many of the other buildings. She still remembers it from before, and from even more distant memories that continue to flicker like the disappearing stars. She stands in front of the big fountain, and her rough fingers run over the shindanjuu's spirit amber. It's smooth and it calms her down. Her eyes catch on a boy, now older, with silver hair and purple eyes and a girl, still the same size, with hair of gold and eyes of sapphire. The girl reminds her too much of the Daughter. There's a twinge in her heart as she stares at them. They stare back. The girl's hair turns into swords and her eyes to slits, and the boy quickly pulls her away but doesn't look back.

She enters the building and ignores the watchful eyes of the Bees, though they make her fingers grip the shindanjuu so tightly the veins in her hands show. She makes a turn down a corridor, and because she's looking at the floor when she walks, she walks straight into a lady with glasses and shoulder-length blonde hair. Roda recognizes her as someone Noir used to know, and asks, "Noir is gone. Is he here?" The woman's lip twitches and it's apparent that she doesn't like that name.

"No, I haven't seen _Gauche_ around. Why are you even here?" And she shoulders past Roda, the sound of clacking heels echoing together with the ringing sound of accusation. Roda watches the lady's back as she leaves, then continues to walk down the corridor and makes more turns till she finds the heavy steel doors that guard Hell's Kitchen.

The doors, badly in need of oiling, groan loudly as they are pushed open. The Corpse Doctor is sitting at a table, looking into a funny machine and tapping on a typewriter. Roda respects him almost as much as she respects Noir, and even after all this time she still remembers what he did for her and the Spirits during the civil war. She pays no attention to either the broad-shouldered man with fake beast arms at the far right of the lab or to the black-haired boy with catlike eyes sitting beside the Doctor.

As she approaches them the door creaks back into place and the youth turns, stands, pushes his chair back and begins to shout, "Oi, you-" before the Doctor places an arm on his shoulder and gets him to be quiet and to sit down. Dr. Thunderland Jr stands as she approaches him, his arms hanging by his sides. He's busy, she can tell, but at least he has the heart to give her his full attention. The boy has his guard up, and glares intently at her. The big man at the side briefly takes a glance at her, but soon returns to what he was doing before.

"Noir is gone," Roda begins. The cat-eyed boy's jaw drops slightly, and Roda glances at him. "I can't find him." Thunderland rests a hand on his chin and begins to think. Roda sees that he is older too; there are faint creases ghosting near his eyes and at the corners of his mouth. After a few moments he looks at her with his one good eye, and she waits earnestly for his reply.

"Have you thought that maybe he wants to _stay_ gone?"

The thought hits Roda like a brick and her fingers clench around the shindanjuu almost immediately. The cat-eyed boy watches her with a truly despicable air of arrogance, while the Doctor waits for her reaction. Roda has nothing more to say to the man (she is incapable of doing so anyway), and she turns on her heel and leaves the lab, fuming hot.

* * *

Roda is walking on a bridge, and thinking about where she could find Noir next. She wonders if this was what it was like for the people who knew him as Gauche, if perhaps they had felt as lost as she did. But they had each other, whereas she only had herself. Roda thinks about giving up on Yuusari and going back to Yodaka. Maybe he hadn't left there at all; maybe he was stuck at customs and couldn't get through; maybe he'd already returned to Blue Notes Scale and was with the others; or perhaps he had travelled further on to Akatsuki to live a more comfortable life. It troubles Roda a little – before, she'd know where he was even if they weren't physically side by side, but now even that was gone. No directive, her mind screamed. _No purpose_.

She's responsible for bringing him back. She forcefully drums that into her head, and the grooves on the shindanjuu's handle burns marks into her hands. She has to find him. The people left behind are dependent on him, and maybe she is too. She _is_ his dingo, and she isn't a failure. She'll find him, bring him back, and then they'll all continue on as they had done before. And if he doesn't want to go back, then she'd go with him and stay by his side, just like how she always has.

Roda reaches the arch of the bridge and her eyes meet those of another silver-haired man. He is clothed in black, but the strapped headgear he used to wear isn't on him. They both stop in their tracks, and someone knocks into the man, but he doesn't even utter a word of apology. Roda's eyes widen slightly and she loosens the grip on the shindanjuu. Realising this, her fingers fumble to untie the shindanjuu from her waist, and when it is in her hands she almost takes a hopeful step towards the man. But he narrows his eyes with an almost vengeful look, almost curls his lip to snarl at her, and hastily turns around, shoving someone out of the way, and blends back into the crowd, away from Roda's line of vision.

_"Have you thought that maybe he wants to _stay_ gone?"_

Roda feels as though the breath has been knocked out of her chest. _How come?_ She wants to go back to the Doctor, to ask him _why, how did you know? Why doesn't he want to go back?_ It takes a while for her to assess the situation – _Noir doesn't want to go back_ – and think about what to do next – _Noir doesn't want to go back_ – should she return to Blue Notes Scale? What should she say to them? _Noir isn't coming back_. She has no next objective, no next mission, nothing else to accomplish. She feels like she is lost at sea, between the darkness of Amberground and the darkness of the countries beyond. All her life she has relied on instructions given to her by someone higher above, but now there is no one left.

Roda shifts the shindanjuu from hand to hand, and suddenly, feeling a rush of adrenaline and perhaps frustration, she turns swiftly to the side of the bridge and hurls the gun over the edge. It drops down into the river below, creating a barely audible splash. Roda feels a cold, biting breeze in her hair and a deep cavern in her heart. Noir is the only one who matters to her at the moment, and she finally fulfils her promise to the Spirits there and then. Roda stands, looking over the bridge into the murky water, her chest rising and falling as she takes deep breaths. Her gaze slowly turns to the direction where Noir walked in, and for the first time she wonders what it felt like to just drop everything behind and leave.

Roda purses her lips together, and considers entertaining the tempting idea, if only just for a little while. Roda chews the inside of her lip and walks off the bridge, in Noir's direction. Perhaps she wants to stay gone for a bit, too.

* * *

**Just in case my descriptions were too vague:****  
****Boy with silver hair: Lag****  
****Golden-haired girl: Niche****  
****Lady with blonde hair: Aria****  
****Big man with fake beast arms: Hunt****  
****Black-haired, cat-eyed boy: Zazie****  
****Man in black: Noir**

**Mmm.. I'm afraid this might be a little too melodramatic and all-over-the-place, but I can't think of any more ways to make it neater. I might need a beta next time… Oh well. Thanks for reading, and please do leave reviews!**


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